I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
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He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
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if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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