He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
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You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
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I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Couch. On fire.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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