Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
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Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
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I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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