I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
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My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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