the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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