A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
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I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
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She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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