But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
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My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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