Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a burrito and a hug.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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