omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
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Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
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I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
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