Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
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