My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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