I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
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can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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