By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
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So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
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SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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