Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
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I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
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Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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