my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize