I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
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Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
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I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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