the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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