Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
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she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
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You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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