You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
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On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
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found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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