Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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