dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I look better un-naked...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
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i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
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Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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