I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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