I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
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all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
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I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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