my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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