we're chasing vodka with high fives
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
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I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
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Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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