I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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