Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
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Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
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We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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