he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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