I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
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She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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