If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
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Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
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Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
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