your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Green mimosas i think yes
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He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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