don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
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I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
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It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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