the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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