I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
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We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
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I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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