you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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