Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize