i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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