youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
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I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
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You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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