I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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