so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
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you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
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Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
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