Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
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You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
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He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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