update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
In America we eat man semen.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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