My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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