I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize