my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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