so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
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No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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