conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
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He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
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I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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