Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
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I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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