I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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