I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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